Lesson #3: Can I Have It All...Please?

Do I have to choose between career or family?

Today marks 2 years of dating a nerdy engineer and we're getting married in January! :) Without him, I wouldn't be here, but not in the typical sense of the phrase. It is because of our future together that I sought out a company that allows its employees to put family first. No company is perfect, but a month into this 'informative interview' with Dell and I think I picked well. 

Andrew and I come from different backgrounds. My parents emigrated from the Philippines to the US and his family is rooted in Baton Rouge, LA. Whereas my mom was the breadwinner, his mom was a homemaker and as we approach our wedding date, I think about the differences between those lifestyles. 

Mrs. Samantha is quite dedicated to her family and church while my mom has spent over 20 years conducting bee research; sometimes she dissected bees on the dinner table! Andrew's mother was always there for his three younger sisters and him, but the twins and I were usually the last kids to be picked up from daycare. With the support of loving husbands, both of our mothers did their best to give their children everything; it's just that one picked availability and the other picked financial security. I respect and love both women for the choices they made, but as I get closer to making mine, I find myself frustrated that I have to choose. 

There are times when I'm exhausted from work and school and I ask myself, "Why am I doing this when I just want to be a mom?" It's feasible. Andrew and I are blessed to be in a situation where I don't have to work to support our family. When I see how intimately involved Mrs. Samantha is with her kids as they've grown, I think I want that; I admire her for what she instilled in her son: to listen, to be patient and to forgive. Additionally, after my personal experience with babysitters and daycares, I know I want to be the main person raising our kids.

But in those moments of weakness, I think of my mom. We would still be in the Philippines if she didn't put her career first early on. She left her family and my dad behind to pursue her Master's at Oregon State University (my dad later joined her) and then went to LSU to get her PhD. Plus, she didn't put her career on hold for kids; she had me while getting her Master's and then the twins during her PhD.

I also think about a difficult time when my mom was laid off around 9/11 and she joked about being a stay-at-home mom. Joke or not, I was angry with her. I looked up to her as a woman who worked hard to earn everything we had. I've never told her this, but I needed her to continue working hard to show me what I need to be for my family someday. She has since been recognized for her decades of productive research, which includes over 75 publications, and I couldn't be more proud. My mother showed me it's possible to raise a family and have a great career, but I'm still trying to figure out how to make it work for Andrew and me.

I've made a point to ask many people for their advice on work/life balance because I want to be a good worker and mom (apparently some folks mistakenly took that as a hint that I'm expecting are congratulating me, oops!). I've been told, "You can't have it all without sacrifices." It eerily reminded me of The Atlantic article "Why Women Still Can't Have It All" which came out after I left my first job and was about to start my Master's. For months the article lurked in the back of my head, but then I interviewed with Dell.

While preparing for my interview, I discovered that Dell is one of the Working Mother 100 Best Companies.

"Creating open office spaces, linking everyone in a giant communications network and allowing them to decide how they want to work are the key features of this information technology and services company's Connected Workplace initiative." - Working Mother 2012

After working here for a month, the Connected Workplace and Flexible Work Solutions are big selling points for me, especially when other companies are eliminating their work-from-home option. When I tell coworkers that Andrew and I haven't been in the same city for six years, they always suggest that I could work something out with my manager so that I could live with him in Houston. I've never gotten the impression that I had to choose between Andrew and my job. I've only ever gotten the impression that time with family is valued.

I've already got one part of my all. 

They say you can't have it all, but all I've ever wanted was to make a positive impact on others and raise a family with a man who loves and supports me, so why can't I have it all? Nowhere in my all does it say 'easy life', 'immense wealth', 'fancy title' or even 'perfect attendance"; those would be lovely to have, but it's not all I want out of life. Missed meetings and missed recitals are an understood part of life; it just happens. What would be real sacrifices for me are missing out on things I could never get back such as a great career at Dell or my kids growing up, but I believe Dell actually wants me to have it all.

So, I believe there are two parts to my third lesson from Dell: first part is that a good company will empower its employees to have all they want in life. But the second part is up to you. Andrew and I would appreciate any advice on marriage, raising kids, working, and perhaps dealing with pressure from eager-to-be-grandparents. I've talked the talk about having kids, but much to the future Lola and Mimi's displeasure, we've got a few steps to take first! So, please take a moment to share your wisdom as well as, if you don't mind, your definition of 'all'? Thanks! :)

PS: If you want a good story about Andrew and I, check out our (incomplete) wedding website!

 #dellinterns13